Photographs and Memories

"I just had a thought. And it was something to write down.
The smell of my hand lotion, I thought, is something that reminds me of going to bed [here]... propping myself up, dim lighting, in this bedroom, in this bed, and reading a book - for pleasure - before going to sleep. And that smell will forever remind me of going to bed [here]. It will remind me of this moment, and this moment is worth remembering. It's not just the weekends, the parties and the friends that I love about [here], but it's the going-to-bed-sober during the week too. Different feelings. Different moments. Different memories, but I would never take a picture of this moment like I would on a weekend... but I think that's why I have this smell. At the end of this chapter, and when I'm on to a new one, I will get a new smell. A new photograph of that simple thing that is worth remembering."

Take it all in.

Messages

If you think like me, then this poem turned song by Xavier Rudd will speak to you. Correction... it will shout at you. I just stumbled across it today. A truly beautiful sounding song, with even more beautiful lyrics. Please take a read before you listen to the song.


So now come sit down
Will you talk with me now
And let me see through your eyes
Where there is so much light
We are biding ouur time
For these myths to unwind
For these changes we will confront


So please be aware with every
Place that you herald
And look to your soul
For these things that you know
For these trees that we see
Cannot forever breathe
With these changes they will confront


And this sacred land
It has seen many hands
It has wealth and gold
Now it is fragile and old
And now the greedy souls just don't care to know
Of the changes it will confront

So speak out loud
Of the things you are proud
And if you love this coast
Then keep it clean as it evolves
Because the way that it shines
May just dwindle with time
With the changes it will confront

So hold nice and close
Once you get to your soul
So that when it is cold
You won't feel so alone
'Cause the road that you take
May just crack and break
With the changes you will confront

With each gift that you share
You may heal and repair
With each choice you make
You may help someone's day
Well I know you are strong
May your journey be long
And now I wish you the best of luck
Well I know you are strong
May your journey be long
And now I wish you the best of luck.

F**king Bleed Purple and Gold

Well... I'm back.
After four months of pure and intense adventure, sunshine, laughter, work, play and - as best described in one word: summer, I'm back. This summer I experienced, for a moment, a sense of lost but more importantly I experienced a major sense of found. I found a place where I can be happy when I didn't think I could. I found a place where the people are just as wonderful, fulfilling and crucial to my being as the people are in the place that I temporarily left. I found that just being and being me, no matter where I am, I can be happy. And that alone makes me happy.
Now I'm back to the place where for the last three years I have been spending my falls and my winters, having new Septembers and new adventures. This is the last year I get to structure my life around a school schedule. The last year that I get to live with and beside some of the best people I have been so blessed as to have found. And the last year that I get to take in every ounce of this incredible environment and experience, and just fucking bleed purple and gold.

It's good to be back.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

I have never realized the importance of good people in my life more than I have this summer. Not that I am denying my need for my friends in the past times of my lowest lows, and my highest highs, but this summer I have really taken the time to appreciate everything that the people who still stand beside me have done for me.

This will sound really cliche, but I very much mean it when I say that I really wouldn't be who I am without my friends. And I check myself several times a day to make sure that I am not taking these amazing people for granted. To rememeber that I am where I am because of them and that I appreciate their contribution to my life.
There are some friends that can contribute to your life, add to your self and then be long gone out of it after a while. The Best friends are the ones who continue to accept you, change you, love you and respect you on the same level that you respect them. With No judgement. They are the ones who sacrifice a night with their boyfriend because you really need your girl time. No arguements. They drop their life when they sense an enormous pool of tears coming on from you. No questions. They will be your ears when you need to senselessly ramble on about something that they can't quite understand but is fogging your mind... No judgement. They are proud of you the way you are proud of them.

Relationships... they require work. We know this when talking about the romantic ones, but I think we often forget that friendships need compromise, compassion and as much work, if not more, than the boyfriend/girlfriend ones. Your friends are the ones who will be there for you and not question it when you need to cry - they will listen. When you need to celebrate - they will make sure that you get fucked up (as well as make sure you don't make too much of a fool of yourself when you do). When you need someone to sleep in your bed with you no matter what the reason... No judgement. And I think that is enough to put work into for.

Yesterday I got my bike down off of the rafters and decided to fix it up so I could ride it. It needed a bunch of work. I spent my day figuring it out and carefully adjusting it so it could work the way I wanted it to... It first took a close look and a full understanding of the bike as a whole - how it worked, what connected to what and how I can go about adjusting it - and when I started working on it, and wanted to throw it across the street into the garbage because it was being a pain in the ass and getting me dirty and it felt like I was wasting my time, I found a whole bunch of patience and I eventually got it fixed properly... And now I can enjoy it.
I could have bought a new bike that was fresh and never had someone pedel it before, but I like my bike. It was worth the work.

Patience and understanding. That's all it took for me to get where I wanted to be with my bike. And that's really all you need to get where you want to be with anyone who you want in your life. Never underestimate the power of these things.
Next time you're trying to fix something in your life - whether it be a machine or a relationship - remember those words. Understanding and Patience. Trust me, they go far, and you'll go even further.

Take the Long Way Home

So, I'm back.

Back to the place I've been before - The place that I will forever call home.

I was so set on staying away from this place for a long as I could while I was still in school, but when it came down to it, I've found that it isn't so bad. There are good times, good friends here. There is a clean house. There is an (awesome) backyard here. There is unlimited wine here. There is a secure job and a steady paycheck here. There are homecooked meals and already bought groceries here. Best of all, there is water here. Lots of it.

I will forever love living near the lake. I miss the sounds and the smells and the feeling of the beach. Even though it is so close to my house, I feel like there is nothing around when I'm hanging out at the beach. Just water and rocks. And beers and weed if you plan your stroll down to the water correctly. Just great.

The feeligs that I love about Waterloo will always be there too, and I will rediscover them when it's time to go back.

It's good to be back.

If There's Love, I Just Want to Have Something to Do With It.

I just finished watching a movie (in two parts): Paper Heart. It's a story about a young girl (Charlyne Yi) who tries to figure out if love exists by interviewing different people on the topic, and making a movie about it. While making the film, she, the biggest love skeptic, finds it (in Michael Cera). It is an adorable film. One that makes me believe and fills my heart with hope that true love does exist. As Charlyne goes around the country asking people what true love means to them, some of the answers really got me thinking.

"When I was stuck under the freezing cold water, I thought - I can't die this way. Then I saw my ex-wife's face. She didn't say anything or do anything, but I remember feeling serenity and I swam up and made it to shore. I didn't see my first and what I thought to be my true love's face - but my ex wife's. What this told me was that that love was real, and it was there."

"I think it's going to last a really long time.. even though we are so young. It's real."

"It's that person who you don't want to be without."

"It's all about the 'like'", one man said. And his wife agreed.

"It's one thing to love someone on some level, on multiple levels even, but to really like that person. To genuinly enjoy them around. And to not want to see a day without them in your life. And then to also have that certain level of love."

I've been in love. On one of those levels that this man talked about. And even thought I haven't felt a love like this since, I am convinced that this love was real. But there seemed to be lacking something, and that something was the 'like'. I see this now. Interesting. I didn't know you could love someone without liking them. I mean, I must have liked them at one point. Then that 'like' went away, but the love stayed. Somewhere. And I don't think that love will ever go away really. But I think this love that I have experienced is just one level I have seen myself be capable of. There are so many other levels that I have and have not fallen into yet.

If I do fall in another level of love, I don't think that erases the first level. It just keeps adding.

I've been in like. And I've loved them on some level. But perhaps not the love. Crazy, romantic, passionate, consuming, ridiculous love. (Okay, I might have taken some of those adjectives from Sex and the City.. but Bradshaw's got a point). If that crazy level of love had been there, it may have been perfect. I kept hoping it would show up but it didn't. When I was in love, I was waiting for the like to come back. And while I was in this like, I was waiting for the love.

People always say that the person they spend their life with "complete's them", right? Maybe that person can fulfill aaalll your levels of love at once...

With an enormous side order of like.

They call her out by her Name.

I wish I had this blog on a device that I could take to go... (am I expressing a desire for a blackberry? uhhh ohh..) It's just that I always have thoughts when I'm walking around town, seeing smiles and frowns and people doing things that make me smile and frown and eventually get me thinking.. but by the time I get my ass back to a computer, wait for 'ol bessie to boot up, put on Shiver by Shawn Desmand, creep facebook and then get on good old blogspot.. the thoughts have left my head.
It's a damn good thing I keep getting more.

I was listening to the song 'She Talks to Angels' today by The Black Crowes - a classic kg favourite. I can't get sick of it and every time I hear it, i feel something. It got me thinking about other songs that make me feel this as well. Why do I like them? Desparado by The Eagles. Into the Mystic by Van Morrisson. The common denominator? I can't seem to figure them out.

There are some songs I can't get enough of because the lyrics are so powerful and meaningful. These are songs that I will listen to over and over and over until I've got them completely figured out and there is no more room in my brain for interpretation. Examples: Total Eclipse of the Heart, Speechless (Gaga) and Edge of Desire (JM).
Sometimes (like Shiver), the lyrics aren't the powerful aspect, but the sounds. The beat. The images that appear in my head when I listen to them. That's what I love about the song.
But these song obsessions go away.

Angels, Desparado and Mytic obsessions are stuck to me. They are beyond me. For me, their beauty lies in the mystery of their meaning. And I like it.
I guess that's the case for most things, really - The ocean. The universe. Far away places that we can't yet reach but can only imagine what it would be like if we could.

After telling me that a restaurant that used to just be a family restaurant seems so much smaller now that it is her workplace, I responded to my bestie (http://imnotreallygone.blogspot.com/), that things tend to seem a lot smaller when you've figured them out.
Apparently for me, the most beautiful things are those you can't figure out...


Stay big.