Photographs and Memories

"I just had a thought. And it was something to write down.
The smell of my hand lotion, I thought, is something that reminds me of going to bed [here]... propping myself up, dim lighting, in this bedroom, in this bed, and reading a book - for pleasure - before going to sleep. And that smell will forever remind me of going to bed [here]. It will remind me of this moment, and this moment is worth remembering. It's not just the weekends, the parties and the friends that I love about [here], but it's the going-to-bed-sober during the week too. Different feelings. Different moments. Different memories, but I would never take a picture of this moment like I would on a weekend... but I think that's why I have this smell. At the end of this chapter, and when I'm on to a new one, I will get a new smell. A new photograph of that simple thing that is worth remembering."

Take it all in.

Messages

If you think like me, then this poem turned song by Xavier Rudd will speak to you. Correction... it will shout at you. I just stumbled across it today. A truly beautiful sounding song, with even more beautiful lyrics. Please take a read before you listen to the song.


So now come sit down
Will you talk with me now
And let me see through your eyes
Where there is so much light
We are biding ouur time
For these myths to unwind
For these changes we will confront


So please be aware with every
Place that you herald
And look to your soul
For these things that you know
For these trees that we see
Cannot forever breathe
With these changes they will confront


And this sacred land
It has seen many hands
It has wealth and gold
Now it is fragile and old
And now the greedy souls just don't care to know
Of the changes it will confront

So speak out loud
Of the things you are proud
And if you love this coast
Then keep it clean as it evolves
Because the way that it shines
May just dwindle with time
With the changes it will confront

So hold nice and close
Once you get to your soul
So that when it is cold
You won't feel so alone
'Cause the road that you take
May just crack and break
With the changes you will confront

With each gift that you share
You may heal and repair
With each choice you make
You may help someone's day
Well I know you are strong
May your journey be long
And now I wish you the best of luck
Well I know you are strong
May your journey be long
And now I wish you the best of luck.

F**king Bleed Purple and Gold

Well... I'm back.
After four months of pure and intense adventure, sunshine, laughter, work, play and - as best described in one word: summer, I'm back. This summer I experienced, for a moment, a sense of lost but more importantly I experienced a major sense of found. I found a place where I can be happy when I didn't think I could. I found a place where the people are just as wonderful, fulfilling and crucial to my being as the people are in the place that I temporarily left. I found that just being and being me, no matter where I am, I can be happy. And that alone makes me happy.
Now I'm back to the place where for the last three years I have been spending my falls and my winters, having new Septembers and new adventures. This is the last year I get to structure my life around a school schedule. The last year that I get to live with and beside some of the best people I have been so blessed as to have found. And the last year that I get to take in every ounce of this incredible environment and experience, and just fucking bleed purple and gold.

It's good to be back.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

I have never realized the importance of good people in my life more than I have this summer. Not that I am denying my need for my friends in the past times of my lowest lows, and my highest highs, but this summer I have really taken the time to appreciate everything that the people who still stand beside me have done for me.

This will sound really cliche, but I very much mean it when I say that I really wouldn't be who I am without my friends. And I check myself several times a day to make sure that I am not taking these amazing people for granted. To rememeber that I am where I am because of them and that I appreciate their contribution to my life.
There are some friends that can contribute to your life, add to your self and then be long gone out of it after a while. The Best friends are the ones who continue to accept you, change you, love you and respect you on the same level that you respect them. With No judgement. They are the ones who sacrifice a night with their boyfriend because you really need your girl time. No arguements. They drop their life when they sense an enormous pool of tears coming on from you. No questions. They will be your ears when you need to senselessly ramble on about something that they can't quite understand but is fogging your mind... No judgement. They are proud of you the way you are proud of them.

Relationships... they require work. We know this when talking about the romantic ones, but I think we often forget that friendships need compromise, compassion and as much work, if not more, than the boyfriend/girlfriend ones. Your friends are the ones who will be there for you and not question it when you need to cry - they will listen. When you need to celebrate - they will make sure that you get fucked up (as well as make sure you don't make too much of a fool of yourself when you do). When you need someone to sleep in your bed with you no matter what the reason... No judgement. And I think that is enough to put work into for.

Yesterday I got my bike down off of the rafters and decided to fix it up so I could ride it. It needed a bunch of work. I spent my day figuring it out and carefully adjusting it so it could work the way I wanted it to... It first took a close look and a full understanding of the bike as a whole - how it worked, what connected to what and how I can go about adjusting it - and when I started working on it, and wanted to throw it across the street into the garbage because it was being a pain in the ass and getting me dirty and it felt like I was wasting my time, I found a whole bunch of patience and I eventually got it fixed properly... And now I can enjoy it.
I could have bought a new bike that was fresh and never had someone pedel it before, but I like my bike. It was worth the work.

Patience and understanding. That's all it took for me to get where I wanted to be with my bike. And that's really all you need to get where you want to be with anyone who you want in your life. Never underestimate the power of these things.
Next time you're trying to fix something in your life - whether it be a machine or a relationship - remember those words. Understanding and Patience. Trust me, they go far, and you'll go even further.

Take the Long Way Home

So, I'm back.

Back to the place I've been before - The place that I will forever call home.

I was so set on staying away from this place for a long as I could while I was still in school, but when it came down to it, I've found that it isn't so bad. There are good times, good friends here. There is a clean house. There is an (awesome) backyard here. There is unlimited wine here. There is a secure job and a steady paycheck here. There are homecooked meals and already bought groceries here. Best of all, there is water here. Lots of it.

I will forever love living near the lake. I miss the sounds and the smells and the feeling of the beach. Even though it is so close to my house, I feel like there is nothing around when I'm hanging out at the beach. Just water and rocks. And beers and weed if you plan your stroll down to the water correctly. Just great.

The feeligs that I love about Waterloo will always be there too, and I will rediscover them when it's time to go back.

It's good to be back.

If There's Love, I Just Want to Have Something to Do With It.

I just finished watching a movie (in two parts): Paper Heart. It's a story about a young girl (Charlyne Yi) who tries to figure out if love exists by interviewing different people on the topic, and making a movie about it. While making the film, she, the biggest love skeptic, finds it (in Michael Cera). It is an adorable film. One that makes me believe and fills my heart with hope that true love does exist. As Charlyne goes around the country asking people what true love means to them, some of the answers really got me thinking.

"When I was stuck under the freezing cold water, I thought - I can't die this way. Then I saw my ex-wife's face. She didn't say anything or do anything, but I remember feeling serenity and I swam up and made it to shore. I didn't see my first and what I thought to be my true love's face - but my ex wife's. What this told me was that that love was real, and it was there."

"I think it's going to last a really long time.. even though we are so young. It's real."

"It's that person who you don't want to be without."

"It's all about the 'like'", one man said. And his wife agreed.

"It's one thing to love someone on some level, on multiple levels even, but to really like that person. To genuinly enjoy them around. And to not want to see a day without them in your life. And then to also have that certain level of love."

I've been in love. On one of those levels that this man talked about. And even thought I haven't felt a love like this since, I am convinced that this love was real. But there seemed to be lacking something, and that something was the 'like'. I see this now. Interesting. I didn't know you could love someone without liking them. I mean, I must have liked them at one point. Then that 'like' went away, but the love stayed. Somewhere. And I don't think that love will ever go away really. But I think this love that I have experienced is just one level I have seen myself be capable of. There are so many other levels that I have and have not fallen into yet.

If I do fall in another level of love, I don't think that erases the first level. It just keeps adding.

I've been in like. And I've loved them on some level. But perhaps not the love. Crazy, romantic, passionate, consuming, ridiculous love. (Okay, I might have taken some of those adjectives from Sex and the City.. but Bradshaw's got a point). If that crazy level of love had been there, it may have been perfect. I kept hoping it would show up but it didn't. When I was in love, I was waiting for the like to come back. And while I was in this like, I was waiting for the love.

People always say that the person they spend their life with "complete's them", right? Maybe that person can fulfill aaalll your levels of love at once...

With an enormous side order of like.

They call her out by her Name.

I wish I had this blog on a device that I could take to go... (am I expressing a desire for a blackberry? uhhh ohh..) It's just that I always have thoughts when I'm walking around town, seeing smiles and frowns and people doing things that make me smile and frown and eventually get me thinking.. but by the time I get my ass back to a computer, wait for 'ol bessie to boot up, put on Shiver by Shawn Desmand, creep facebook and then get on good old blogspot.. the thoughts have left my head.
It's a damn good thing I keep getting more.

I was listening to the song 'She Talks to Angels' today by The Black Crowes - a classic kg favourite. I can't get sick of it and every time I hear it, i feel something. It got me thinking about other songs that make me feel this as well. Why do I like them? Desparado by The Eagles. Into the Mystic by Van Morrisson. The common denominator? I can't seem to figure them out.

There are some songs I can't get enough of because the lyrics are so powerful and meaningful. These are songs that I will listen to over and over and over until I've got them completely figured out and there is no more room in my brain for interpretation. Examples: Total Eclipse of the Heart, Speechless (Gaga) and Edge of Desire (JM).
Sometimes (like Shiver), the lyrics aren't the powerful aspect, but the sounds. The beat. The images that appear in my head when I listen to them. That's what I love about the song.
But these song obsessions go away.

Angels, Desparado and Mytic obsessions are stuck to me. They are beyond me. For me, their beauty lies in the mystery of their meaning. And I like it.
I guess that's the case for most things, really - The ocean. The universe. Far away places that we can't yet reach but can only imagine what it would be like if we could.

After telling me that a restaurant that used to just be a family restaurant seems so much smaller now that it is her workplace, I responded to my bestie (http://imnotreallygone.blogspot.com/), that things tend to seem a lot smaller when you've figured them out.
Apparently for me, the most beautiful things are those you can't figure out...


Stay big.

It's A Beautiful Mess

It's been a long couple of weeks.
Right from trying to achieve the grades I want to trying to find a place to work. The worst part is, of all the resume's I have handed out and places I have found online and applied to I haven't heard one thing. It's as if I haven't handed out one. I guess this is a busy time for students looking for full time work but I thought I was more qualified than the employers are seeing. I just wanna be successful!
So far, living in the small city with not a huge school work-load and a brand new set of roommates as been quite entertaining. It certainly is different. I'm living now with an old friend of mine, one of those that was kind of forced by our parents as youngins but now we're just livin away in the same apartment. Then there's a friend of a friend, he just keeps to himself but means well. The best bathroommate anyone could ask for, he doesn't even keep his toothbrush in it! Then the last new roommie is a rando and she's crazy. Funny girl. We somehow got 4 of the most dynamically different people to live under the same roof, but so far it's working out just fine. If only they would unlock their doors when they go to class...

I love university life because you do get to meet and be friends with people that you would probably never consider being friends with. But then it just works out, because no one wants to be alone. Well... one ex-roommate experience may prove that to be quite wrong but for general humans, we like to love the ones you're with. It takes some adjusting too, which I find myself doing often and I like it. I'm much too young to get comfortable. You stop doing things when you get comfortable, I have seen it happen to young people, old people. Adventures can end when you're perfectly okay with the way everything is. I guess I'm just addicted to drama, although I wouldn't necessarily say that but that's what it sounds like. I do like mystery. Jumping into things with my eyes closed. Not knowing what I'm doing tomorrow. Being surprised about my new friends all the time. Not knowing where I'll be in a year and liking it.
Fuckin Loving it, with a side order of guilt and nervousness.
Could be a problem when the real world comes knocking on my metaphorical door, but I'll deal with that when it arrives.
Until then, I'll just keep soaking up my irrisponsibility and trying to call it something life changingly beautiful.
Story of my life.

Hey, teacher! Leave those kids alone!

As those of you who actually read up on this blog know, I've been writing paper for a couple days. And I just finished it! Yayy. I also just drove to campus to hand it in at 4am hoping my prof chose tomorrow morning to pick it up and not this morning. Either way, this prof is the bomb and he won't penelize me for late submission. He'll pick it up one day, read it, mark it, and give me a final mark for the full-year class I just finished. Sounds like a given but I've had some profs be so strict on the syllabus-given due dates that this would never slide. But he's not mean. Alright, let me just fill you in on this prof, although many of you who know me already know how awesome this dude is because I talk about him all the time. But I'm just going to throw this right out into the internet universe for the sake of paying respect... Gregory Cameron is the best teacher I've ever had.

It may have taken me a semester and a half to realize it, but I did. I couldn't see it first semester when I saw him just as this cartoon character I had drawn up of him... and the fact that I had him for a certain communications course at 9am Mondays and Wednesdays. I just couldn't see past that early wake up on Monday mornings especially. I would always wonder what he would think when he would see me attend his Tuesday and Thursday cultural studies classes. (couldn't have been that bad, I got a B in the comm course and did absolutely the bare minimum). Anyways, in January when I started only seeing him Tuesdays and Thursdays (at 2:30pm, ps... awesome), the resentment was gone and I actually started notcing myself learning a lot from him. I started becoming less afraid of his intimidating nature and seeing that it was really just a quiet carefree nature that was being misinterpreted as "this guy loves his job and means business". Don't get me wrong, he does love his job. He loves teaching students, he just doesn't necessarily love being bound to the restrictions of the schoolboard. So when I asked to change my subject, the same one that I had been working on for 2 months, to something else he said, whatever you feel better writing about (for the paper I just finished). When I asked for a one-week extension on something he didn't question why I needed it, but trusted that I did need it to make it the best that I could. When I asked for an exemption for a certain presentation for a part of my final grade because my grandmother died, he told me not to worry about it. He also told me if I needed more time to finish my paper I could have it.

I learned the most from him than any other teacher.

Not only did he provide us the respect I believe he actually felt we deserved, but he is an incredibly smart person. I actually feel priviledged to have three whole sections in my five-star notebooks filled with his words.

I learned the most from him than any other teacher.

In general, I believe that we don't learn from a schoolboard regulated syllabus. We don't learn through rules and regulations. We don't learn through a forced nature. We learn through teaching. Transfering information from the learned to the learning, and doing so in a relaxed environment where we aren't afraid to approach the one who is teaching us and ask for understanding is perhaps when we can learn more than from any other teacher. Kid's don't come home from school and say they hate their mean teacher for nothing... they're mean! And the kid in turn probably didn't learn as much as they could have if the mean teacher gave the kid some respect.

That's what it's all about. R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Sing it, practice it.

Figure it out, teachers. This is what the world needs.

I Just Want to Fly

As I'm sitting here trying to finish my last paper of the school year, I have found myself finding absolutely everything else to do. Made my roommate a hilarious facebook group, made friends with one of my profs and downloaded every Sugar Ray song ever made I'm pretty sure. Why? Because they're awesome. I remember them being so lame in the 90's when they were "popular". Listening back now I am enjoying their chill-rock/regee sound and their lead actually has a sick voice and the lyrics aren't as dumb as I thought either. A hidden, classic gem in my eyes. Way to go guys.

As I get back to this terrible paper, enjoy this beat that I would never expect to ever happen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FN6CZKz9P5g

Everyone Deserves Music

Along with the pressure of exams come the great need for distractions. Anything will do. Walks, coffees, getting food, naps, facebook, twitter, blogs. My best and worst friend along with the above distractions is downloading music. Having an entirely new library of music is just surreal. It's like waking up to a pile of presents all for you. Or like going to sleep on a brand new set of clean bed sheets. Like chugging an ice-cold glass of water in the morning after drinking. Like sweet AND salty when you're stoned... It's freaking awesome.


And downloading a new library in preparation for the summer is even better. Summer jams? Who doesn't love them. Keep an eye on the list to the right, as it will change throught the summer with my next new summer jams.


Summer jams to me means jams you can lie out in the sun with a cold one to. You can party outdoors to. You can drive around with all the windows down to. You can sit under the stars to. Basically songs that suit the warm weather and can make you feel like you're in a movie. That's what summers always feel like to me. Especially after the summer is over. Like I had just watched the most real movie ever. A very short period of time in your life in which you'll remember the good parts, the bad parts and you'll continue to talk about the parts that became memories and meant something to you years later. Like any movie. Like any summer.


So give these songs a listen and let me know how you feel about them when you're having fun in the sun.


My newest fave artist, check it:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8&feature=related



And if you're looking for some sweet beats, check this site
http://onthatbeat.com/ it's serving you fresh beats daily!

xo

We're All in This Together

It's that time of year again...
Exam Time. *shudder*
Those four dreadful letters, e-x-a-m. So simple sounding, but we all know what they really mean. Late nights, early mornings, messy rooms, too many trips to starbucks and tim hortons for those late night coffees, 12 packs of red rain, not one healthy meal for 3 weeks and spending more time on campus than you have all year. A clean kitchen or bathroom? Forget it. Who's got the time. Trips to the gym? Hell no. There's just too much work to do! Student's lives get turned upside down for those couple finals that just won't write themselves (trust me, they won't.. I've already prayed to the exam gods. They said no). So what do we do? We do it. Just do it. It sucks but we do it because as much as we hate the feeling of endless readings and power point slides and papers all over your bedroom and falling asleep at the library, the feeling of bombing an exam will stay with you for a much longer amount of time. AND, there's actually nothing like the feeling of walking out of an exam with a smile on your face, knowing you fuckin' killed it.
And if that's not enough motivation to study your ass off, take a trip on campus at 2am. You will see that there is an entire school full of people in the exact same boat as you, struggling to cram in that last bit of information before their final in the morning. Being on campus late at night gives me this crazy feeling of secrurity. That I'm not alone. That nothing is weird about my study habits, I'm just a student. We all procrastinate. We all stay up late. We all want to succeed. And one thing is true that for these weeks of exams, in the words of Ben Lee, "Awake is the new sleep"... and We're all in this together.

Good luck, kids.

All You Need is...

I would start my blog off talking about love. My fave.
The topic always challenges me. The word speaks volumes. Is bigger than Mountains. Whats bigger than mountains? Earth. What's bigger than Earth? The universe. What's bigger than the universe? Love.
I lost my grandmother this past week, and there's nothing like death to bring out love. (Leave it to death to complete our life). It's times like these - at funerals and during mourning - that we think about how great these people in our lives are, and when we really feel the love for that person. My grandmother and I weren't close. I was number 19 of 19 grandchildren, and only saw her on holidays. Not only until did she move into a home quite close to where I started going to school did I visit her more than twice a year. But this week, being surrounded by the large family that I am a part of and all being gathered because of this wonderful mother of 8 did I feel the love. Coming from every person's insides. All gathered. All thinking of good memories, sharing stories, saying goodbye. Saying goodbye, remembering, and sharing. Sharing the love. Passing it on.
Standing in that church, I was overwhelmed, and not because of her death (she was in her 99th year and it was not a shock), but because of the love that surrounded her. The love that was created because of her love. All products of love. A never ending cycle of love. And 50+ family members that did not have one bad thing to say. I cried not out of sadness but of an overwhelming wave of care. family. That's what it's all about, really.

A never ending cycle of love.

"Enjoy your life" - Gramma: Sept 23, 1911 - March 29, 2010